I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
