Pants 0. Shit 1.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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