Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize