I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
