Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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