If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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