I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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