I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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