Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
