we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
