No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
