I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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