i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
it glows. i had to have it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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