Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
