this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
vagina is talking i cant
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
