He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
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