My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize