Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
