I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize