im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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