you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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