i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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