the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
