My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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