I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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