come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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