Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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