you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think I won the penis lottery.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
