im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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