I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
