She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
