So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
