I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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