I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i think i have two assholes
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
