I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
