whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
