My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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