What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
