It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
