i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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