I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
