The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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