I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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