I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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