I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
