Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
