i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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