More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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