I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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