He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
