First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
