Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
