to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize