'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
