Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
