I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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